Well, in true Nick Bakay fashion, I'm here to break things down. It's the tale of the tape: Cubs vs. White Sox.
LOCAL KIDS ASPIRE TO:
CUBS: Go to college
SOX: Stay out of prison
ADVANTAGE: Cubs.
LOCAL CURSES:
CUBS: The Billy Goat
SOX: Joe Jackson
ADVANTAGE: Push in a shocker! Nobody really likes goats, but Jackson's feet smell...
WHAT BATTERS MUST BLOCK OUT:
CUBS: The heckling of the fans
SOX: The screams from the neighborhoood
ADVANTAGE: Cubs. Nobody is dieing.
INJURY PRONE:
CUBS: Harden, Zambrano. The only sure bet is that one of them will get hurt
SOX: Thome, Konerko.
ADVANTAGE: Sox. I cringe every time Harden throws something other than a fastball.
STADIUM:
CUBS: Wrigley/The Friendly Confines
SOX: U.S. Cellular/ The Cell.
ADVANTAGE: Cubs. Let's not kid ourselves.
DEFINING ASPECT OF STADIUM:
CUBS: The Ivy
SOX: The massive amounts of Concrete
ADVANTAGE: Cubs. Go Green.
PROMOTIONS:
CUBS: Sammy Sosa Syringe Day!
SOX: Fireworks... again...
ADVANTAGE: Push... Neither had "Free Prostate Exam Night" like the Brewers had a couple years ago...
MANAGERS:
CUBS: Sweet Lou
SOX: Angry Ozzie
ADVANTAGE: Cubs. Besides, Ozzie was a bad player.
FANS BEWARE:
CUBS: Soriano may take all of your money
SOX: Colon and Jenks may eat the entire buffet
ADVANTAGE: Push. Nobody wins when there is no food or money...
DEMAND FOR TICKETS RIVAL:
CUBS: A Lakers game
SOX: A Milwaukee Bucks game
ADVANTAGE: Cubs. The Milwaukee Bucks never win
WHAT THEIR NAMES DO:
CUBS: Eat small animals
SOX: Keep feet warm
ADVANTAGE: Cubs.
CHAMPIONSHIPS PAST 100 YEARS:
CUBS: 0
SOX: 1
ADVANTAGE: Sox.
So there you have it. It's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a bit of the lobsided matchup, the advantage goes to-- The Cubs! Hang in there White Sox, at least the south side has... oh, wait... Until next time, I'm Greg Zeck reminding you that the numbers never lie.
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